Standing in My Mess
“What strength do I have, that I should still hope? Job 6:11
Have you witnessed people continuing in their destructive behaviors simply because it was familiar? It doesn’t make sense, but it happens. I know. I’ve been there.
Living a lie, I desperately tried coping with life. I was a wife and mother of 2 young children and found myself standing in my mess, feeling like a failure in every way. I became a closet drinker and mixed prescription drugs, thinking I could stop any time I chose to. But I couldn’t.
As my addiction progressed, my family surmised something was terribly wrong, but what it was, they were at a loss. Is she having a nervous breakdown…planning a divorce?
In desperation, I hoped I would get arrested. I never forged a prescription nor went doctor shopping. In my muddled thinking, I concluded if they arrested me, the madness would end. Sadly, life became so painful that I wanted out. I would have gone through with the suicide, but one thing held me back – the utter brokeness on my parents faces when my youngest brother, Kenny, died six months previously from an overdose. In that one lucid moment, their pain vividly imprinted on my mind, I knew I couldn’t cause them the that sort of pain again.
God saw my silent desperation and heard the cry of my heart.
Hospitalized for medical reasons other than my addictions, God placed me in a room with another alcoholic. As the substance abuse counselor interviewed my yellow-skinned roommate, she proceeded to explain the disease called alcoholism. I thought, “She is describing me. Help was available? I was not a bad person?”
Returning home, I made an appointment with this counselor and entered a detox treatment center where the Master Artist repainted my darkened world and gave me a new release on life. After thirty-three years, I still remember how vibrant the deep greens of the grass and trees appeared; so vibrant I knew that no lawn service could’ve created it. I’d been given a new release on life; a new begining.
Lord, I pray for those trapped in addictions, whether alcohol or drugs, pornography or gambling, shopping or overeating; set them free from themselves and from their addictions that they may be born anew. Lord, be their strength and give them life anew.
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