“I am not enough.”
It’s an old tape played out and worn thin. A deep-rooted weed from long ago that I have repeatedly dug up and tossed out, but still manages to somehow push its ugly head up through my life’s healthy, rich soil every now and again. How far those subterranean tentacles grasp. What kind of weed killer would I need to finally, fatally crush this insidious lie?
After a week or so of indulging this weed’s hissed whispers of, “You’re not a good enough mother, wife, teacher, friend, daughter, Christian…” I could stand it no longer, so I sat on the floor and opened a book the Lord had led me to
a couple weeks prior.
that earthly comfort (a book) I hoped to receive heavenly encouragement (a word). I was not disappointed. God is so gentle, so kind, so considerate. He knows us well and will speak in any way we will hear. The question is never “Is God speaking?” but rather, “Are we listening?” Never, “Is God giving?” but, “Are we receiving?”
Flipping through the pages I watched as they settled somewhere in the fourth chapter, titled “Entrance into Rest.” Ha! My eyes drank the words and I tasted hope.
All my striving, doing, planning, projecting, worrying, controlling was senseless. Nonsense. Wasted time and energy. Stolen moments and memories. Hijacked peace and rest. Death in a garden of life.
I have long known the origin of this serpentine seed, but have not known how to eradicate it.
Now I knew.
The seed was true! The seed was good! I am not enough–hallelujah! But HE is!
My perception needed tweaking; my focus was off and I was digging at the wrong root. It was as simple as that. These fear, guilt and shame weeds sprouting from this “I’m not enough” seed were choking the life from my garden because my vision and my understanding were skewed! What I saw as a bad seed was truly a good seed, which meant these troublesome weeds were actually growing from a deeper, darker, more maleficent seed source.
Ahhh, that slithery serpent’s favorite. Of course! Masking truths as lies and lies as truth because unseen is unstoppable and as we who grew up in the ’80s know from watching Saturday morning television “the more you know” the better.
The truth is I am not enough. Neither are you. Let that seed sink in. It’s really quite glorious.
The taste of hope on my lips became freedom food in my belly and I reveled in new-found peace, rest and liberty. I am not perfect and you are not perfect, only the Lord is, and He is full of love and grace and mercy for us all. I can forgive myself and I can forgive you because we are all lack and slack and He, our All-in-All, is the only One who has it and us all together, because yes, after all, we are all in this together.
Unbelief and disobedience had filled my watering can and would need to be replaced with trust and faith. Prideful wild weeds shrivel for want of sustenance as faith is fed and fear is starved. As spirit is fed and flesh is starved. As I surrender to God and rest and steer clear of self and striving.
Alone, I cannot do this. He, the Master Gardner, must do this in me, for me. He brought me out of the wily wilderness and He will bring me into His peace-filled Land of Promise.
He will bring me into rest. And He will do the same for you if you let Him.
Sitting under His watering can, drinking deep His endless love, I am drenched in His divine grace.
And I am growing.